Thursday, February 16, 2006

Elle va terminer en prison!

Yes, you're probably translating that right: she is going to end up in prison. Or maybe, she is going to die in prison. Something along those lines. And yes, that was said about me. But why, you might ask yourself?

Did she...

Get arrested for dealing drugs at her friendly neighborhood Quick?
Get caught smuggling 40 kilos of mac and cheese into the country?
Stab a waiter with her fork when he brought her steak that was supposed to be "bien cuit" but was, in reality, bleeding and twitching on her plate?

Actually, I'm going to go to prison because I went to the France Telecom HQ and I harpooned everyone that works there. That's right, harpooned. Ok not really, but I do fantasize about doing that every once in a while. You're probably a little confused, so let me give you the backstory:

At the beginning of last semseter, I lived with the meanest, most miserable old French woman I have ever met. She was awful and I was unhappy being there and I thought that if I had access to the internet, I would be able to put up with living there for a semester.

I was wrong.

Pretty much as soon as my housing director made the call to get internet installed in my house, life got unbearable with Crazy Old Bat, as I affectionately refer to her, and I decided to move. I moved BEFORE there was internet.

There was nothing hooked up.
There were no cables, no modem, and no phone line.

France telecom wanted me to pay several hundred euros for a service that i never even used. A couple weeks ago (and we're talking several MONTHS after I moved), France telecom finally relented and graciously lowered the fee to 55 euro. I guess that's supposed to cover the initial installation fee or something like that, which just for the record NEVER HAPPENED.


I paid them. I was pissed off, but I pai
d them. But apparently, they're still not happy, and they think I still might be living with Crazy Old Bat and sneakily using the internet service that they never installed. My program director and the housing director are currently in the process of proving to France Telecom that I don't live there anymore. They have to send them all these official documents and write letters and go through all this other crap just to prove that I don't live with Crazy anymore.


I've got an idea. I'll go to their offices, grab them by their stupid little French moustaches, and drag them to Crazy's house.

I will show them the bed that I used to sleep in.
I will show them the toilet that I used to scrub.
I will show them the floor that I used to vacuum.
I will introduce them to Crazy.

And using their superior reasoning powers they will see for themselves that I no longer live there.

(clean room + no luggage + Crazy Old Bat = NO STUDENT)

So that's the story of why I'm going to termine en prison. At this rate, I'll be back home before they even start to prosecute me, and I highly doubt that I'll be extradited for an unpaid internet bill...oh wait...I PAID THEM. Good lord. Well, if that happens, I guess that I won't ever be able to come back to France again after this semester because I'll be a fugitive from justice.

Oh dear...



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